The Past is Exactly That...The Past

And there is not one day that you can change about it.

I have not written or spoken much about the emotional aftermath of my relationship with my daughter's father...I've been putting on a strong face (who am I kidding)...but I am writing about it today because it is something that crosses my mind frequently.

I do a pretty good job of not dwelling on it for the most part, but for some reason I always find my mind wandering back down that road when I am driving. Mainly it's things like: what did I see in him, why was I so crazy in love with him, why did I stay with him and put up with so much...

It's a strange dichotomy because on the one hand I am thankful to have my daughter and I know that if I had never met and dated him I wouldn't have her...but on the other hand I am like WTF was I thinking, and my mother would gladly chime in to say the same. There are so many things now - I'll call them warning signs - that I would recognize immediately, like:

• When he doesn't have cable because he owes a past due bill and his cell phone is disconnected every month, I wouldn't think 'Oh he's just getting himself together'...the wiser me would back away and wait for him to actually do so before entering a relationship. We could be friends, he just couldn't be my man.
• When he is sleeping on an air mattress for the first 9 months of your relationship, well...same answer as above
• When he constantly calls you and wants all of your time, I wouldn't think 'He's just really into me'... the wiser me would recognize that this guy probably has control issues and can't handle not being your whole world. Oh, and lest not forget that he probably doesn't have a whole lot going on for himself.
• When he dogs his ex to no end, from poor hygiene to being immature, and blames the failure of their relationship totally on her, the wiser me would know that this guy doesn't understand what it means to be accountable.
• And lastly, when he doesn't trust anyone...anyone...not mother, sister, or childhood friend, the wiser me would know that there's a slim to nil chance that he will ever trust me.

These are just a few nuggets of wisdom that I have had to learn the hard way. When I first started this blog, I wanted the tone to be 'happy, happy, joy, joy' so I didn't really want to go there, but in my time away I have decided that I will write about exactly what I am feeling and/or experiencing in the moment. I have to be authentic about my current state of mind...it is what it is.
I know that I'm not the only person to feel a certain way and who knows what impact my story might have on another.

Take care all and be blessed. And remember, your past does not define you (so stop beating yourself up) nor does it dictate your future.

A Woman's Worth

Unfortunately, women being mistreated by the men in their lives is all around me.

At this point, I am single by choice, not even dating, going on 2 years now...and the prospect of getting back on the dating scene is daunting.

When I look around at those in relationships, the number of healthy unions are few and far between.

So why are so many of us in toxic relationships...with men that are not good for us, have nothing to offer, and treat us as if we are less than?

I think part of the problem is that we as women are naturally nurturing beings, looking to take care of and please someone else...Maternal instincts extend far beyond our children. This puts us in a position in which we sacrifice our own needs and happiness for the sake of someone else (your child - maybe worth it; a man - NEVER).

Let's also not forget the societal pressures that women face to be married and have children by a certain age. Numerous friends and family members have jokingly called me an old maid more times than enough.

And then there's just those women who look for validation from a man. They never take the time to get to know themselves and what makes them happy.

I have been in an unhealthy relationship myself so I am speaking from experience. The stress and heartbreak of it is something I vow to not experience again. Since my daughter was born 2 years ago and her father and I split up, I have taken this time to really come to understand who I am, what I need to be happy, and truly value my worth.

Sounds simple enough but many of us are lost when it comes to these things. And in my case, I know that I have an example to set for my daughter. She will not grow up seeing me disrespected and demeaned by men only to fall into the same pattern.

We as women are strong and beautiful and need to be treated as such. We have an unending amount of love to give - to the RIGHT one and should never settle for anything less.