New Mom Isolation

One of my friends just had a baby about 3 weeks ago. He's a beautiful baby boy and I am so happy for her because she and her husband have wanted this for a while.

About a week after the baby was born, I stopped by her house to visit. I love babies and had been anxious to get over there but with all of the germs and illnesses going around, I decided to wait until I could go without my two-year old...daycare germs are a $?!#.

Once I got to her house it was just as I expected. She was happy but exhausted...in sweats and still trying to get used to the rigors of new motherhood. We had a great visit and I took care of the baby most of the time that I was there so that she could eat and just get a break...whatever that might be.

I hadn't spoken to her again until today. I could hear the same exhaustion in her voice and it got me thinking back to when I was a new mother...

After I had my daughter I was completely in love. Like I had heard so many times before, it was a love deeper than anything that I had experienced before, truly unconditional, and I saw the world in a different way. Seriously. That was the good part.

The other part of it was that in some aspects I didn't feel like my old self. Because my priorities changed and I saw things differently, I struggled to understand and get comfortable with the "new" me. At times I felt very isolated from my friends because while they were out doing things that I used to do, I was at home with my baby changing diapers, nursing, and rocking her to sleep. I realized that while everybody was happy for me and would occasionally stop by to visit, they continued on with their same child-free, carefree lives. It was business as usual for everyone but me.


I can't tell you how many times I though about dropping those friends for new mothers or single mothers who could relate to my situation. I was very lonely and at times depressed. In some ways I feel like this was my form of post-partum depression. It wasn't at all about the baby, it was about me.

And I'm sure that all of the drama that I was going through with her father didn't help the situation...

Back to my friend, I wish her the best. I made sure to let her know that if she needs any help with the baby that I'm here. Hopefully I can be that source of support for her that I needed during this time.

Be Blessed!

How Many Kids Should You Have?

On Saturday, there was an interesting post on MSN about having children. See article here.

It made me think about my own desires when it comes to having children. Honestly, I have always felt like I wanted more children than I was willing or able to have. That was before baby.

Now that I have a child, I think more about the financial impact and time sacrifices that you must make to raise a child. Daycare - $600 per month, Time - Never ending. And while these sacrifices are well worth it, the freedom of child-free adults is never lost on me.

I always find myself torn between having a big family with lots of grandchildren and great grandchildren when I get older or just being content with my one super sweet baby girl. I love the relationship that I have with her and the fact that I have had the time and energy to enjoy so many moments in her development...but on the flip side I think about her growing up with no siblings. To me, when you have a sibling, you are never alone and always have a best friend in the world no matter what. I know that all sibling relationships are not like this but my family has always been pretty close and I would expect the same for her.

One thing is for sure though, I will not ever, never, ever consider having another baby unless I meet Mr. Right and get married. One baby daddy is more than enough and if love doesn't come my way before the 'ole biological clock ticks it's last tick, then more children just won't be an option for me.

That's the thing about my life. There are so many choices to be made and yet so many things that you cannot predict or happen by chance.

Random Mommy Thoughts/Memories

- I will never forget her always saying "He-wo" when she answered the phone. Although I am glad that her language has since developed, I secretly wouldn't mind if she continued to say this. It's so cute!

- Of all things for her to be obsessed with, did she have to choose Barney.

- I will try to refrain from hugging & kissing her for the umpteenth time today.

- Barney went off...yay!

- Will this runny nose last all winter?

- I think I will put off bath night until tomorrow.

- Pen on the couch, crayon on the wall...ugh!!

- I'm still amazed at how much I love her.

~ Enjoying every moment of Camryn!

Daycare Blues

For the second time in a month both my daughter and I are sick with colds that she brought home from the daycare. Her nose has been runny for the last 3 days and my throat hurts like hell.
Frickin daycare!!!

The Balancing Act

It's not easy balancing career and motherhood. Any mother can tell you this and single mothers can probably tell it best.

In the month that I have been back at work it has been a whirlwind. I am still working to get our routine down....clothes ironed and laid out the night before, Camryn bathed and in bed by 9, squeeze in a little quiet time for myself, and asleep at a reasonable hour, only to be back up at 6 AM.

I'm still working on this...and poor Camryn just can't get with the program. I guess after almost 9 months of sleeping in, she is just not feeling the 6:45ish wake-up time. I have to keep her morning routine as simple as possible because she is already so cranky. She's been too sleepy to walk to the car so I carry her to the car and into the daycare and once she sees the other kids she finally peps up.

On top of that, there's the illnesses you deal with when kids are in daycare. Two weeks into my new job, she woke up with a rash on her face so I had to take her to the pediatrician to make sure she did not have anything contagious before taking her to daycare. It ended up being an allergic reaction to something she came in contact with and no medication was needed.

I had to pull myself together while waiting for the appointment because in that moment all of the stress of unexpected events that happen with children came to a head. I said a prayer, "Lord help me handle my circumstance" and let it go. My child comes first and if at some point it poses an issue with my career I will cross that bridge when I get there...hence the prayer. Fortunately I was at work by 10AM.

The following week, she developed a cold and luckily my mother had a day off so she was able to stay at home with her. This week, she is still under the weather and passed the cold on to me...

Which brings me to this point -- I am so thankful for having the family support that I have....don't know what I would do without them.

Nevertheless, everything always works itself out. While stressful, I continue to put a smile on my face and keep it moving!

My Fabulous Camryn

Not to toot my own horn but...beep beep!

Camryn's second birthday is coming up soon and she's already showing signs of the terrible two's. She can be impatient, sometimes throw tantrums, and picks and chooses when she wants to do what I tell her to do...

But when it's all said and done, she is an absolutely terrific child.

She's loving, sweet, and full of life. The thing that I love most about her is that she is always game to dance on cue and already has a great sense of humor.

It's funny that she is so different from how I imagined my child to be...maybe a little shy, quiet, attached to me. She is none of that....

Sometimes I just can't believe how great motherhood can be. People can tell you how wonderful it is all day long, but it's one of those things that you just have to experience for yourself. Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of days that she gets on my ABSOLUTE last nerve, but that's just a part of the deal. The amazing part is getting to see the world through her eyes...the awe and wonder that she possesses and her curiosity for everything around her. It's just a blessing to have her in my life.

I sometimes find myself wondering...what was I ever doing with my life without her?

Today Was More Than I Bargained For

For the past week I had been looking forward to my daughter's first swim lessons today.

The class, Supertots, is held once a week at the YMCA and is really just a way to get the kids acquainted with the water. I know that she is only 22 months old, but she has a lot of energy and I felt like this would be a good activity for her to start with.

So a friend and I went to the class and everything was great. Camryn loved the water and had a lot of fun.

Then the trouble started.

After dropping my friend off at her apartment, I saw an old friend from work standing outside with her baby. I was never able to see her baby because she was on maternity leave when I was laid off. So I turned around and Camryn and I got out of the car to see them. About five minutes into our conversation, another former co-worker pulled up and came over with her 3 year old to talk too. -- Coincidentally, they happen to live in the same apartment complex.

Camryn and her three year old son were excited to see each other and began playing. Everything was cool until they decided to run to the fountain/pond at the entrance of the complex. In a split second, Camryn got too close and slipped in.

Now mind you all of this happened within about 30 seconds...but it felt like a lifetime to me. My former co-worker saw this happen before I did so she took off running toward the pond. I was right behind her and we both dived in. We were only about a yard away but when we got to Camryn she was in the water sideways and scared. I was going crazy and the second I got her I almost burst into tears and went into shock at the same time.

Camryn was fine and completely over it in about 5 minutes. I, on the other hand, was completely freaked out. I thanked my former co-worker a thousand times and then said my goodbyes to go home.

I am still freaked out by this. The thing that gets me is that it could have been so much worse. Accidents happen with children all of the time and it really can happen in the blink of an eye.

Thoughts of Mike Tyson's daughter have been in my head....

I plan to send my former co-worker a gift card first thing next week to say thank you again. She didn't hesitate to jump in the water to grab my child as if it were her own and that was not lost on me.

And best believe, I am saying my prayers tonight.

To end on a lighter note, here is the only picture I was able to get of her at the swim lesson....

I Love It...and Her

This picture was taken nearly a year ago on a random day at my mother's house...and I love it. She has taken so many pictures since then but this one is my absolute favorite and melts my heart every time I see it....it will probably have the same effect 20 years from now...my sweet baby...

The Scales of Responsibility Are Never Equal

...even in the best of circumstances, it will always tip to the mother's side...it's just how it is.









My daughter's father was in town this weekend and spent the day with Camryn.

Over the past few months we have made an attempt to work together, drama-free, for the sake of Camryn...and fortunately things have been okay.

So he comes into town this past weekend and because of his situation -- truckdriver passing through the city with no other form of transportation -- I drive Camryn to his mother's house and agree to pick her up in the afternoon.

Everything went well and they enjoyed the day together. When I picked her up, he proceeds to tell me that he does not have the $100...yes $100 that he was supposed to give me (there was some issue with his paycheck) and that he would try to have half of it the next day.

I played it cool and just said okay...

But later that night I was furious. I have 100% of the responsibility for caring for Camryn day and night, I foot the bill for her expenses 100% of the time, and I spent my gas money and time to ensure that he was able to see his child. And he --- cannot even come through with the little bit that is expected.

I know I am not the first nor the last woman to gripe about their child's father.. and this is so typical of irresponsible fathers...but DAMN!

Needless to say, he did not have half of it the next day...

Excited...But Scared

Okay, so I have finally decided to get serious about re-entering the workforce. These months (7 to be exact) have been amazing with my daughter but it's time to begin preparing to join the real world again.

I sat down this past weekend to do some job searching and ended up applying for a couple of jobs. I would love to stay in Louisville but based on the current market it may not be an option.

I am looking regionally in cities like Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Columbus, and Nashville. That way I will still be relatively close to my family and can travel to see them when I please.

So far I have gotten responses from a transportation company in Jeffersonville, IN (great b/c it's just right across the bridge) and a healthcare company in Chillicothe, OH (???, I heard it was in the sticks).

The thing that gets me is that when I think about returning to work, all of the stresses of daycare and sick baby appointments come to mind.

Fortunately, at my last job I had a lot of flexibility. If Camryn was sick, I could easily take her to the pediatrician then return home to work from my laptop (company provided) for the rest of the day. No questions asked.

The likelihood that I will have this same flexibility with my new employer seems slim to none.

And what impression will I give when I not only have to miss work to care for a sick child but also am out of the office promptly at 5 o'clock in order to make it to the daycare in time...those late fees are no joke.

I have witnessed the sacrifices that so many mothers make to raise children and have a career and it sucks.

For now I am just going to focus on getting that offer...then I'll figure the rest out...as I always do.

Mama Never Told Me There'd Be Days Like This

Meet Camryn.















She's the bright-eyed munchkin who drove me crazy today.

At times being a mother is the strangest balance in life...you love them so much and they make you smile, but bedtime/naptime can't come fast enough.

Today I looked at the clock around 6pm and told myself, "only three more hours until you can relax". Those three hours were filled with spaghetti...on her own plate and everywhere else, spaghetti on my plate, numerous requests for juice, book reading, counting, cuddling, tantrums, and laughter.

As I'm sitting here now, she is fast asleep and my living room floor is covered with flash cards, toys, and pillows from the sofa that she delighted in throwing down.

It will not be cleaned up tonight...but hey, at least the dishes are done.

Jill Scott called life "a beautiful struggle" and this is exactly how I would describe life as a mother - the most unpredictable and challenging, yet rewarding experience one can have.

And then you get up the next day and do it all over again.

The Shape of A Mother

Somehow, somewhere today I found an interesting website dedicated to a mother's post-baby body: http://www.theshapeofamother.com/

Having had a child at the ripe old age of 28, I was so happy to see a community of women who have the same blues.

In my case, I honestly have to say that a large part of my post-baby, less stellar body came from being so wrapped up in the throws of motherhood, work, and trying to find my new self that I completely neglected caring for my body for a while...and it showed.

I wore the typical pony tail every day for 6 months straight, sweats whenever possible and losing pounds was the last thing on my mind. Before I knew it, I was back up to my pre-delivery weight...yuck!

The good thing is that I am now getting back on track. Having a child affects every woman differently, and for me it has taken me a long time to feel like myself again. I am now more conscious of the things that I put in my body, have been working out consistently for a few weeks now, and feel great.

And yes, the belly still shows signs of baby wear and tear and the hips are wider. I know that in some ways it will never be the same but ultimately that's just a part of the deal.

The Baby Daddy

Wow...there it is and I said it.

Years ago when I heard Fantasia's tribute to baby mamas I never in a million years thought that I would be one...but life happens.

Camryn's father and I met in December of 2006 through mutual friends. It was random and at the time I was not looking for a relationship, but we clicked instantly and so began a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship. Things were either great or horrible. There was no in between. We were either on cloud nine or going through hell. All the while, I was madly in love with him.

After just under a year of dating we moved in together and I was pregnant shortly after. I had my child knowing that her father and I probably...no definitely would not make it. For all of his good qualities, he was controlling, insecure, and negative. The entire relationship, all two years of it, really brought me down and when I think back on it now I realize that I was just in a bad place at that time in my life...too eager to relinquish who I was and too determined to make him into the man that I wanted him to be.

I chalk it up as a lesson learned. The silver lining is that I gained a self-respect that I lacked before and I became a mother to a beautiful baby girl.

For Camryn, I know that she will never know what it's like for her mother and father to be together. We split when she was just one month old. However, she will always know that she is tremendously loved regardless of her parent's situation. And fortunately for her, she has been raised in a warm and loving environment, surrounded with nothing but positive energy. I am fiercely protective of that.

For me, I know that I am no less worthy and respectable than before. Occasionally I will notice a lifted brow or look of judgment when I say that I have a child and am not married (nor divorced) but I have no regrets as this life experience has made me the woman that I am today.

Like Fantasia said...Single motherhood is a badge of honor...one that I wear proudly.

My Second Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I spent the night at my mother's and it turned out to be a relaxing and fun day with the family.

Camryn is almost 2 now and I can't imagine my life without her. She's so sweet yet boisterous and by the grace of god, is a very confident and secure child.

My first year of motherhood was a tough one to say the least. Her father and I split shortly after she was born and I quickly came to understand the challenges and responsibilities of being a single mother. On top of that, my finances were in shambles. I had credit card debt, furniture debt, a car payment and could barely keep my head above water trying to pay $600 a month in childcare. Formula disappeared in the blink of an eye and I was working mad hours at my job. It was a whirlwind.

Fortunately we pulled through and the storm is over. My family rallied to my side without judgment or prying and I am forever thankful to them for doing so. Camryn is and always has been a wonderful baby and kept me going through it all. I love her more than anything and we have a bond like no other.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I wouldn't trade my experiences for the world. It's made me stronger and a more compassionate and empathetic person.

Either way, being a mother is amazing and for every woman in the world that is fortunate enough to be called so...always know that we are awesome for all that we do.

Happy Mother's Day!