Shout It Out Fridays!

My favorite post of the week is from Single Ma's blog Fabulous Financials titled Happy Thanksgiving!! This post touched me so because I love the fact that she is a single mom success story.

Although my daughter is only 2 years old, I sometimes worry what the impact of being raised in a single parent home will be. Now I'm the first to say that I feel I do an outstanding job as a mother and Camryn seems to be one of the happiest, sweetest, most well-adjusted kids that I know. Her life is full of love and happiness...I make sure of that.

But with all of my efforts, I still wonder what the future holds. I trust in the Lord and know in my heart that he wouldn't have allowed me to be in this circumstance without the tools and ability to raise a phenomenal child. Really, I should just stop here because it's like, if you trust in the Lord then don't worry.

But deep, deep in the back of my mind I would be lying if I didn't admit that I do worry about it. It seems like you just never know how your child will cope. I have seen situations where children are raised in two-parent seemingly stable homes and they grow up to become really screwed up, unhappy adults. On the other hand, I have also seen children who came from the most unfortunate of circumstances (abuse, poverty, absent parents) and they are able to rise above adversity to become amazing adults.

Okay, I am done dwelling on my worries. For now, I will continue to do what I do and keep the faith.

The Balancing Act

It's not easy balancing career and motherhood. Any mother can tell you this and single mothers can probably tell it best.

In the month that I have been back at work it has been a whirlwind. I am still working to get our routine down....clothes ironed and laid out the night before, Camryn bathed and in bed by 9, squeeze in a little quiet time for myself, and asleep at a reasonable hour, only to be back up at 6 AM.

I'm still working on this...and poor Camryn just can't get with the program. I guess after almost 9 months of sleeping in, she is just not feeling the 6:45ish wake-up time. I have to keep her morning routine as simple as possible because she is already so cranky. She's been too sleepy to walk to the car so I carry her to the car and into the daycare and once she sees the other kids she finally peps up.

On top of that, there's the illnesses you deal with when kids are in daycare. Two weeks into my new job, she woke up with a rash on her face so I had to take her to the pediatrician to make sure she did not have anything contagious before taking her to daycare. It ended up being an allergic reaction to something she came in contact with and no medication was needed.

I had to pull myself together while waiting for the appointment because in that moment all of the stress of unexpected events that happen with children came to a head. I said a prayer, "Lord help me handle my circumstance" and let it go. My child comes first and if at some point it poses an issue with my career I will cross that bridge when I get there...hence the prayer. Fortunately I was at work by 10AM.

The following week, she developed a cold and luckily my mother had a day off so she was able to stay at home with her. This week, she is still under the weather and passed the cold on to me...

Which brings me to this point -- I am so thankful for having the family support that I have....don't know what I would do without them.

Nevertheless, everything always works itself out. While stressful, I continue to put a smile on my face and keep it moving!

The Scales of Responsibility Are Never Equal

...even in the best of circumstances, it will always tip to the mother's side...it's just how it is.









My daughter's father was in town this weekend and spent the day with Camryn.

Over the past few months we have made an attempt to work together, drama-free, for the sake of Camryn...and fortunately things have been okay.

So he comes into town this past weekend and because of his situation -- truckdriver passing through the city with no other form of transportation -- I drive Camryn to his mother's house and agree to pick her up in the afternoon.

Everything went well and they enjoyed the day together. When I picked her up, he proceeds to tell me that he does not have the $100...yes $100 that he was supposed to give me (there was some issue with his paycheck) and that he would try to have half of it the next day.

I played it cool and just said okay...

But later that night I was furious. I have 100% of the responsibility for caring for Camryn day and night, I foot the bill for her expenses 100% of the time, and I spent my gas money and time to ensure that he was able to see his child. And he --- cannot even come through with the little bit that is expected.

I know I am not the first nor the last woman to gripe about their child's father.. and this is so typical of irresponsible fathers...but DAMN!

Needless to say, he did not have half of it the next day...

Excited...But Scared

Okay, so I have finally decided to get serious about re-entering the workforce. These months (7 to be exact) have been amazing with my daughter but it's time to begin preparing to join the real world again.

I sat down this past weekend to do some job searching and ended up applying for a couple of jobs. I would love to stay in Louisville but based on the current market it may not be an option.

I am looking regionally in cities like Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Columbus, and Nashville. That way I will still be relatively close to my family and can travel to see them when I please.

So far I have gotten responses from a transportation company in Jeffersonville, IN (great b/c it's just right across the bridge) and a healthcare company in Chillicothe, OH (???, I heard it was in the sticks).

The thing that gets me is that when I think about returning to work, all of the stresses of daycare and sick baby appointments come to mind.

Fortunately, at my last job I had a lot of flexibility. If Camryn was sick, I could easily take her to the pediatrician then return home to work from my laptop (company provided) for the rest of the day. No questions asked.

The likelihood that I will have this same flexibility with my new employer seems slim to none.

And what impression will I give when I not only have to miss work to care for a sick child but also am out of the office promptly at 5 o'clock in order to make it to the daycare in time...those late fees are no joke.

I have witnessed the sacrifices that so many mothers make to raise children and have a career and it sucks.

For now I am just going to focus on getting that offer...then I'll figure the rest out...as I always do.

The Baby Daddy

Wow...there it is and I said it.

Years ago when I heard Fantasia's tribute to baby mamas I never in a million years thought that I would be one...but life happens.

Camryn's father and I met in December of 2006 through mutual friends. It was random and at the time I was not looking for a relationship, but we clicked instantly and so began a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship. Things were either great or horrible. There was no in between. We were either on cloud nine or going through hell. All the while, I was madly in love with him.

After just under a year of dating we moved in together and I was pregnant shortly after. I had my child knowing that her father and I probably...no definitely would not make it. For all of his good qualities, he was controlling, insecure, and negative. The entire relationship, all two years of it, really brought me down and when I think back on it now I realize that I was just in a bad place at that time in my life...too eager to relinquish who I was and too determined to make him into the man that I wanted him to be.

I chalk it up as a lesson learned. The silver lining is that I gained a self-respect that I lacked before and I became a mother to a beautiful baby girl.

For Camryn, I know that she will never know what it's like for her mother and father to be together. We split when she was just one month old. However, she will always know that she is tremendously loved regardless of her parent's situation. And fortunately for her, she has been raised in a warm and loving environment, surrounded with nothing but positive energy. I am fiercely protective of that.

For me, I know that I am no less worthy and respectable than before. Occasionally I will notice a lifted brow or look of judgment when I say that I have a child and am not married (nor divorced) but I have no regrets as this life experience has made me the woman that I am today.

Like Fantasia said...Single motherhood is a badge of honor...one that I wear proudly.

My Second Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I spent the night at my mother's and it turned out to be a relaxing and fun day with the family.

Camryn is almost 2 now and I can't imagine my life without her. She's so sweet yet boisterous and by the grace of god, is a very confident and secure child.

My first year of motherhood was a tough one to say the least. Her father and I split shortly after she was born and I quickly came to understand the challenges and responsibilities of being a single mother. On top of that, my finances were in shambles. I had credit card debt, furniture debt, a car payment and could barely keep my head above water trying to pay $600 a month in childcare. Formula disappeared in the blink of an eye and I was working mad hours at my job. It was a whirlwind.

Fortunately we pulled through and the storm is over. My family rallied to my side without judgment or prying and I am forever thankful to them for doing so. Camryn is and always has been a wonderful baby and kept me going through it all. I love her more than anything and we have a bond like no other.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I wouldn't trade my experiences for the world. It's made me stronger and a more compassionate and empathetic person.

Either way, being a mother is amazing and for every woman in the world that is fortunate enough to be called so...always know that we are awesome for all that we do.

Happy Mother's Day!