The Past is Exactly That...The Past

And there is not one day that you can change about it.

I have not written or spoken much about the emotional aftermath of my relationship with my daughter's father...I've been putting on a strong face (who am I kidding)...but I am writing about it today because it is something that crosses my mind frequently.

I do a pretty good job of not dwelling on it for the most part, but for some reason I always find my mind wandering back down that road when I am driving. Mainly it's things like: what did I see in him, why was I so crazy in love with him, why did I stay with him and put up with so much...

It's a strange dichotomy because on the one hand I am thankful to have my daughter and I know that if I had never met and dated him I wouldn't have her...but on the other hand I am like WTF was I thinking, and my mother would gladly chime in to say the same. There are so many things now - I'll call them warning signs - that I would recognize immediately, like:

• When he doesn't have cable because he owes a past due bill and his cell phone is disconnected every month, I wouldn't think 'Oh he's just getting himself together'...the wiser me would back away and wait for him to actually do so before entering a relationship. We could be friends, he just couldn't be my man.
• When he is sleeping on an air mattress for the first 9 months of your relationship, well...same answer as above
• When he constantly calls you and wants all of your time, I wouldn't think 'He's just really into me'... the wiser me would recognize that this guy probably has control issues and can't handle not being your whole world. Oh, and lest not forget that he probably doesn't have a whole lot going on for himself.
• When he dogs his ex to no end, from poor hygiene to being immature, and blames the failure of their relationship totally on her, the wiser me would know that this guy doesn't understand what it means to be accountable.
• And lastly, when he doesn't trust anyone...anyone...not mother, sister, or childhood friend, the wiser me would know that there's a slim to nil chance that he will ever trust me.

These are just a few nuggets of wisdom that I have had to learn the hard way. When I first started this blog, I wanted the tone to be 'happy, happy, joy, joy' so I didn't really want to go there, but in my time away I have decided that I will write about exactly what I am feeling and/or experiencing in the moment. I have to be authentic about my current state of mind...it is what it is.
I know that I'm not the only person to feel a certain way and who knows what impact my story might have on another.

Take care all and be blessed. And remember, your past does not define you (so stop beating yourself up) nor does it dictate your future.